A writer for SB Nation got hold of a “secret document” from Roger Goodell that outlined plans for sending teams to new homes around the world. This is creative, original and hilarious stuff.
Here are some examples of who is moving where and why.
Oakland Raiders -> Somalia. “Bloodthirsty, lawless and remorseless.” These were the terms the Somali pirates used to describe Oakland’s fan base, but we have assured them this behavior can be toned down.
Green Bay Packers -> Israel. That first Lambeau Leap over the Wailing Wall will be part of the Sunday Night Football montage for years to come.
Cleveland Browns -> North Korea. The regime’s history of media fabrications means we are the closest we will ever be to a “BROWNS WIN SUPER BOWL” headline.
Houston Texans -> Poland. In every military simulation NATO ran, J.J. Watt was the only countermeasure that consistently prevented the occupation of Warsaw.
And our beloved Eagles? They are the only team in the entire NFL that isn’t required to move.
RELOCATION NOT APPLICABLE
This office has compiled 1,733 doomsday scenarios which would require implementation of the above geographic redistribution. In all of them, the doomsday event was caused by the Philadelphia Eagles and/or their supporters.
Hilarious. If you enjoy this kind of crazy humor, follow @celebrityhottub on Twitter. He will make you laugh pretty hard at least once a day, especially if you’re a college football fan.